Doubling Our Family

With the exception of a move from New Jersey to Tennessee in my first trimester and assuming the role of houseparents to 8 girls ages 6 to 16 in a Christian group home called Bethel Bible Village, my pregnancy was fairly uneventful. The 6 year old in our cottage was a little African-American girl named Christina Graham. About a month after we started at Bethel, Christina went back home to live with her mom. We stayed in touch because I had really connected with her when we traveled to Tennessee to interview for the position. In late October 2003, it became clear that Christina's mom was not taking care of Christina. Almost simultaneously, our miracle baby, Elizabeth, was born on November 3, 2003. She was perfect in every way and had a head full of red hair just like me. About a week after my delivery, Christina returned to Bethel Bible Village because the risk of her being put into state's custody was very high due to her mom's risky lifestyle and negligence. As Elizabeth grew, we continued to connect with Christina on a deeper level. Each month, if the girls in the cottage had a viable home option off campus, they went there for the weekend. Christina did not, so on "weekends off," Christina stayed in the cottage with our little family. These weekends afforded us the luxury of connecting with her on a whole different level without 7 other girls vying for our attention. We were able to do more intimate family-type activities and she stayed with us on major holidays as well. Within a few years, Christina came onto the state's radar as a child being "abandoned by neglect" since her mother was not doing much to restore custody. In order to prevent the state of Tennessee from taking her into their custody, her mom granted temporary custody to Bethel Bible Village. In the spring of 2005, Jim and I decided to leave our position at Bethel and focus on our little family. We were in the process of completing foster parent training so that we could get custody of Christina. That fall, Christina's mom signed her over to our custody and we took her with us out of Bethel Bible Village, which had been her home off and on since 2001. This eventually led to Christina's adoption in July of 2007. We went from being able to have no babies to doubling our family in a matter of 5 years.

Elizabeth's Birth Day - November 3, 2003

Christina's Adoption Day - July 16, 2007

As busy as we were at this point in our lives, the pregnancy and subsequent breastfeeding had knocked back my abdominal pain substantially.  With the exception of severe menstrual cycles, I didn't have too many days of being bed-ridden with pain. That all began to change in 2005...about 2 years after Elizabeth was born.

The Dream

After Jim and I became Christians, we were still living together before marriage...a little situation that did not go unnoticed by our newly converted, Christian, Bible-study friends. On my way home from work one day, it hit me over the head like a ton of bricks. When I got home, I let myself into the apartment we shared and proceeded to move all of my stuff into the spare bedroom.  It made no sense for me to move out.  We were getting married in less than a year and anywhere I would move to would require me to sign a year's lease.

In preparation for our wedding, we completed a premarital Bible study where the topic of children once again came up (FINALLY) and in a seeming bout of amnesia about the fact that my OB/GYN had told me children were pretty much unlikely, we decided we would use the Natural Family Planning Method when we got married and resumed those kinds of relations...as if we had any real control over our ability to procreate. For those who are unfamiliar with this method, it entails charting the woman's basal body temperature and cervical mucous to be able to pinpoint ovulation. If you want babies, you have sex when the ovulation is happening and if you don't want babies, you don't. As a hyper-organized newlywed, charting all of this made me happy and crazy all at the same time. I had to use a mercury thermometer (which took FOREVER - literally five minutes in my closed mouth in my groggy just awoken state - thus, the crazy) to take my temperature every morning before getting out of bed and then, I recorded it on a chart (colors, dots and lines = HAPPY). It did not go unnoticed by me that a couple days before my temperature went up signaling ovulation, my abdomen started hurting.  This was, perhaps, the most in tune with my monthly cycle that I had EVER BEEN IN MY LIFE and I was now realizing that I was pretty much experiencing pain from the time I ovulated until my period ended about 14 days later. GOOD TIMES... We tracked for several months, but with my pain being cyclical, I knew that there wasn't much need. I knew EXACTLY when I was ovulating and because of the pain that I was in the majority of the month, there wasn't much action happening, if you know what I mean. So, we stopped tracking...probably right before the holidays in 2002.

Well, at the end of my last post, I shared that we had been eager as new Christians to find a place we could serve and that eagerness led us to a little ministry in Hixson, Tennessee called Bethel Bible Village. We had been married for less than a year when we traveled down in February of 2003 to check it out, meet the staff and see if this was where the Lord was leading us. We were considering a houseparent position to children displaced from their homes for a variety of reasons. During the week we were there visiting, we had dinner at the cottage we were being interviewed and screened for and there, we met a little African-American girl named Christina Graham. She was 6 years old and the very first words she ever said to me were, "Are you going to be my new mommy?" We sat and did puzzles together on the living room floor as 7 other girls, ages 12 and over, who also resided in that cottage came back and forth around us. The house was hustling and bustling, but the connection between Christina and I made the rest of the world melt away and I floated back to the guest room where we were staying thinking about that adorable little girl.

Later in the week, we had dessert at a staffer's house where we talked about houseparenting...what it was really like. "I'm not going to lie," she shared, "It can be extremely challenging...especially during THAT time of the month!" When we got back to our guest room that night, I fell asleep thinking about that time of the month. When had I had it last?  We hadn't tracked in a while and I hadn't had pain in a while. That was weird.

That night, I had a dream... I was holding a baby and Jim was standing behind me. The girls from the cottage we had visited were standing around us and Christina, the little girl I had connected with, was reaching up to hold the baby. It woke me out of a dead sleep. I woke Jim up at 3am and said, "When we wake up, can you go buy a pregnancy test? I'm sure it's nothing, but I can't remember when I had my period last." I couldn't get back to sleep without thinking about that dream, so I had Jim to go the drug store at 5am for a pregnancy test. When he returned to the room, I told him that I would probably get my period as I peed on the stick, but that the dream had been so real, I just had to know for sure. In the back of my mind, I knew it wasn't likely...that it was probably just the stress of travelling, my hectic New York job, newlywed life, a million other things...it couldn't be that I was pregnant!  I couldn't even have kids and had pretty much come to terms with that (if "coming to terms with that" looked like ignoring it and going on with life as usual).

I peed on the stick, waited the required time and when we looked, there were two lines...we were having a baby!?!?!?!? We were also offered the houseparent position that day, so in one day, we found out that we were moving several states away and going to become parents 9 times over - to 8 girls in a group home and to one growing in my uterus - our miracle baby! God was on the move in our lives and we were enjoying the journey...

And So It REALLY Begins

Jim and I met in a bar in New Jersey on March 11, 2000. During our very first conversations that evening, we shared with each other baby names that we wanted for our (individual, not OUR/together him and me, I mean... we just met that night!) children someday. In a whirlwind of love, we moved in together 6 months later as my landlord sold the house I rented in and I had to move out. Later that year, at my regular annual gynecologist visit, my Pap test turned up abnormal. As a chain-smoking, birth-control consuming, premarital-sex-having young woman, I knew that I was at higher risk for different kinds of cancers and other diseases, I mean...I got the package inserts with my monthly prescription! I was a little bit freaked out, but to be honest, I still felt a little bit invincible in those days. I didn't even tell Jim about the abnormal pap or the subsequent office visits and tests, I mean, we were still a new couple and weren't even passing gas in front of each other yet. I was certainly not telling him all about my gynecological...whatever this was! In my mind, it was just a routine thing. 
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In November of 2000, I had my first transvaginal ultrasound in an OB/GYN office in Hackensack, NJ. Then they performed, what I didn’t even know at the time was, a cervical biopsy. They informed me that the tests had revealed that my ovary was polycystic and turned in a weird way. It was unlikely that I would be able to have children as they suspected there might be other stuff happening in there. I had no idea what any of that meant, but getting pregnant was not even on my radar at the moment. I left the office that day and went straight to the bar to meet Jim. There, we proceeded to get rip-roaring drunk as I told him that I might as well come off the pill since there’s little chance of pregnancy.
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I had forgotten how bad my monthly menstruation had been. Boy…had I forgotten. I had been on and off the pill for about 8 years – off when I’d forget to pick up my prescription or would forget for a week or two at a time to take it…I was a horrible daily medicine taker! At the end of 2000, I stopped taking the pill. Pain started creeping back up over the next few months as 2001 rolled in, but I was still living a rather hard lifestyle fueled by alcohol and drugs, so I paid no attention.
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Jim and I got engaged in May of 2001. We never talked about having kids after that very first night that we met. I don't think either of us were thinking along those lines at that point. I was pretty sure he'd heard me in the bar that night when I told him the doctor said I couldn't have kids... sure, we might have been a little wasted, but we were all good...right?   
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On September 11, 2001, two planes flew into a building about 5 miles away from our home. Little did we know how much our lives were about to change...

Where Do I Begin?

As I thought about starting this blog, I had to decide where to begin. I decided (with the lyrics from Julie Andrews as Maria Von Trapp in "The Sound of Music" running through my mind) to "start at the very beginning, a very good place to start," so here goes nothing...
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From the time I got my first period at age 13, I had abdominal pain with every cycle. I thought it was a normal part of being a girl. Everyone around me complained about cramps and as I had no real baseline data for what was normal and what wasn't, I assumed that it was just a part of life...that I should just pull up my big girl panties lined with three pads and move on, hoping it wouldn't leak through.  Although it did...often...because in addition to severe abdominal pain, my flow was a BEAST. I'm not going to go into much more detail than that because...well, because that would be TMI.
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On a side note, I understand that this blog may often contain a little bit of TMI for some people. I'm not going to apologize, I'm just going to ask you to move on. Endometriosis is a disease that is extremely misunderstood by those who have not experienced it themselves. In order to attempt to help people understand even a fraction of what I have experienced in my nearly 30 year struggle with chronic pelvic pain and endo, I may share details that some deem to be TMI. It isn't a pretty subject and I'm not going to sugar coat it.  I will, however, attempt to cover it in a bit of humor as I walk the fine line between giving you a window into my daily reality and offering up TMI. This disease is not for the faint of heart.  Though I was faint of heart when I started on my endo journey, by the time I got to a place of acceptance that chronic abdominal pain will likely be something I endure for the remainder of my days here on Earth, my heart has become much stronger. #EndoStrong
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But I digress...
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Where was I? Oh yeah...painful, pad-overflowing periods... oh, the good old days. I thought it was normal...until I didn't. I remember going to the doctor and being tested for mono many times as a teen. Even though I hadn't kissed any boys, the left side of my abdomen was chronically hurting and I was convinced my spleen was on the verge of exploding. Every time I was tested, it came back normal. I plodded on and assumed it was all just part of "every woman's battle" - my monthly nightmare that didn't stop hurting in between menstrual cycles. There was always a layer of pain in my abdomen.
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I graduated from high school and was off to college - still with pain and heavy cycles. These years were rather blurry for me with sleep deprivation from all-nighters and the fuzziness of binge drinking and recreational drug use (that information may be new to some friends and family, but I am not trying to live on anyone's pedestal - I was not a "good girl" in my college years). When I look back through my entire life with abdominal pain, that was pretty much the only time it didn't take me down...the only time I can't even recall having constant nagging pain in my abdomen or any pain at all outside of my monthly menstruation. I don't even think I had one mono test during my entire college career! Maybe it was my substance use that numbed me just enough not to care... More than likely the reprieve came as a result of a routine Pap test appointment in my second year of college at the college clinic. The provider told me that taking birth control pills might help minimize my menstrual flow, so I jumped onto that bandwagon immediately! Although I had never heard the word endometriosis at this point in my journey, in addition to decreasing menstrual flow, birth control can also suppress the growth of endometriosis. Whatever the reason, the drugs or the birth control, I was revelling in my new life with two day periods and minimal flow while enjoying the time of my life with friends. I didn't think about the pain in my abdomen again until I came off the pill and stopped using drugs and alcohol regularly - about 10 years later (ok, so I wasn't a "good girl" a little bit BEYOND college, either) after meeting and getting engaged to my husband, Jim.
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I feel like I should stop here for today, but I'm a little bit worried about leaving 10 years of substance use out there... We all have our skeletons and our mistakes and I'm not going to worry about anyone else's judgment. It is what it is... It's my story and I can't change it. God has forgiven me, redeemed me and even given me the opportunity to use my experiences during those lost and broken years to help others through my ministry to youth in crisis and in future substance abuse prevention efforts.
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And with that, I am signing off for today but this is definitely TO BE CONTINUED...

Things I Have Not Missed

I started this blog because I felt it was important to document my endo journey, once and for all, and to be transparent for endo sisters who may come behind me in dealing with this excruciatingly painful disease. As an advocate for health and wellness, it makes me sad to think of all the women who are living with endometriosis in the world... who are misunderstood and misdiagnosed... who go through years and decades of unexplainable and intolerable pain... who aren't taken seriously and who fight tirelessly just to be heard and to find a way to live with this illness.
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I have recently been having endo-like pain again... four years after radical hysterectomy. I will use this space to share this new chapter in my endo journey, to recap the hell I have already been through and as an outlet for some of my pain and frustration.
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Today, I bring you:

Things I Have Not Missed In My 4 Year Reprieve From Endo/Pelvic Pain

1. Doctors who know very little about endo that seem to think they can fix everything for me in one office visit even though 20 years and at least that many doctors haven’t been able to do that yet. 

2. Being told that if I work on my posture, it will improve my pain. Ummm, I’m a little hunched over from having an alien stabbing me from the inside for more than two decades. 

3. People saying “bless your heart” when I share why I am in excruciating pain. 

4. Doctors who suggest pain medications that I have already tried unsuccessfully and say “we’ll try this in combination with 5 bazillion mg of Tylenol and see if that helps. Please call if it doesn’t.” Ummm...ok, but what's with the "WE"? Are you in pain, too?

4.1 When you call them back in pain and tell them it doesn’t help they say, “well that’s the best we can do at this stage.” THEN WHY... FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, DID YOU TELL ME TO CALL???!?!!!

5. Having to go to the ER to get sufficient pain relief.

6. The doctor/hospital bills from having to go nuclear (AKA to the ER) for proper pain management. Basically, I just paid $250 for 15 Percocet. 

7. Starting over with a new doctor. How I hate having to relive my endo trauma with a new provider by telling them my entire 5000 page medical history every time I see someone new. 

8. Worrying that people think I’m some kind of drug seeker when I really just want to stop hurting so damn much!

9. Doctors pointing out other medical issues while I’m there about my endo/pelvic pain. “Wow, your BP is really high. Maybe we should talk about medication.” Are you kidding me??? It’s high because I am in excruciating pain and you don’t know how to help me! 

10. “You don’t LOOK sick. You look GREAT!” So, now I’m forced to wear pajamas and not comb my hair for a week so you believe me???